Editorial: A Call For Action
Posted by Landozine - 29/09/09 at 01:09:11 amWe’ve all seen them at the skatepark. A Heinous abortion of an otherwise smooth and stylish trick- A maneuver that instantly makes you wonder how quickly you could carve into your eye socket and dig your retina out with a spoon. The trick I speak of is clearly the “downwards stretched no hander” or the “Donkey Kong”.
I’m not sure when it happened, I’m not sure at which point Satan crawled out of hell and atrophied the trapezoidal muscles of every trendy BMX kid out there making it impossible to do anything with their arms but droop them down below their knees but it has left a lasting nightmare in my subconscious. Dangly and nasty, those jetting wrists stab punching me in the soul with every shitty extension.
GROSS
No handers are meant to go UP. Defy gravity; extend those skinny masturbatory wrists to the heavens in hopes that your extension will attract the gaze of an ovulating female and you will someday produce children who wont kill you for being a ‘donkey kong’ no handering sissy.
PROPER
Doing a Donkey Kong is really the equivalent of doing a Toboggan where you don’t grab the seat, or a turndown where you don’t extend your legs, or a barspin where your bars don’t turn at all, or a tailwhip where instead of going biking at all that day you sat at home and fingered your asshole in the shower while your dad watched.
THIS GUY MAKES YOU LOOK HANDICAPPED
I often hear the argument that it is okay to go downwards, or ‘knuckle walk’ in a 360. Fuck that. If Hoffman can get his arms out mid 900, you can get your cock grabbing hands in the air for a 3.
“What about down stair sets?” you might be asking. To that all I have to say is, if you don’t have time to extend them properly, keep your choda massaging palms on the grips. Find a bigger stair set, or get faster in your snap. Spend some time on the monkey bars. Quit making everyone wish that your chain would snap each time you drop in and end everyone’s misery.
I may have strong opinions. But I assure you that they are in your best interests. Just like when your Mom told you it wasn’t good for you to sleep in bed with her anymore when you turned 12 because you might end up sexually fantasizing about her, I’m telling you that throwing a couple of Kongs down at the skatepark could have the same consequences. Every time you throw those hands down, you’re coming closer to wrapping your lips around your mom’s clitdick. Why do you think your dad sleeps on the couch so much?
Join me. Each time you see a kid in tight iPod coloured jeans throw those knuckles down, make sure he knows how wrong he is. Its not wrong to point and laugh, or make puking noises or even issue a slight beating. If we don’t turn this trend around, first thing you know, we’ll all be riding mountain bikes and eating our mom’s clitdicks for breakfast every morning.
Thats not a world I want to live in.
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We’ve been on this crusade all year
http://20negative.com/salt/show/29-The-plague-of-the-Under-Hander
We need a T-shirt
Comment by Bone — September 29, 2009 #
Amen to that!
Comment by RacerJay — September 29, 2009 #
Even I kept my arms at a minimum of horizontal. Follow me.
Comment by Jesus — September 29, 2009 #
Welcome brother, to our struggle!
We have been searching for a cure to ‘The Under Hander’ for a long time over at 20 negative.com (http://www.20negative.com/salt/show/29-The-plague-of-the-Under-Hander). We are closer than ever to a cure but we lack the finances to begin human trials. Also check (http://www.20negative.com/salt/show/43-Mwahahahaha) for the definitive guide to the no hander (from FATBMX.com).
Be aware comrade, we may one day call on YOU for the Under Hander killing spree which is scheduled for November.
Keep up (not down) the good work for the holy crusade.
Greg
Comment by greg — September 29, 2009 #
could not have said it better
Comment by Block — September 29, 2009 #
I completely agree. Not only does it look utter shit, but it doesnt feel right either. The trisk is a no hander, not a knee grab. Do the fucking trick right
Comment by tom don — September 29, 2009 #
Wow you have to much time on your hands. Pick your battles man.
Comment by n/a — September 29, 2009 #
Dude for real? Quit bitching about how people do their tricks and let them have fun! Really the worse trend in bmx is people bitching about other riders fuck this shit and go ride your bike. “Freestyle” is what we do fool! So how about you go eat a dick so we don’t have to deal with this bullshit anymore!
Comment by Ducky — September 29, 2009 #
What are you? A cryin’ little sally cause it matters so much how other people do their trick? Go ride a fucking tricycle.
Comment by Junebug. — September 29, 2009 #
smiles for miles
Comment by Rich Red — September 29, 2009 #
Dam right! Its been going on for too long, stamp out this abhorent crime against BMX!!!
Comment by SixDegrees — September 29, 2009 #
lol awesome!!!
Comment by DJ — September 29, 2009 #
[...] have to agree with the opinions stated in this article, which I just spotted on BMXBoard. That being said, I can’t do tuck no-handers, so my [...]
Pingback by Capital BMX Editorial: A Call for Action | SJBMX | SAN JOSE BMX — September 29, 2009 #
I can’t wait for some trendy fuck to come out of the closet and reach around to shove a few fingers up his ass while he kongs a no hander.
Comment by Kyle Lafleur — September 29, 2009 #
Yeah that freestyle argument doesn’t fly anymore. I don’t know who you are but I guarantee everyone arguing for konging down coordinates their wardrobes with that of their favorite pro and colour codes their riding parts and clothes just like every other Michael cera sad adolescent wannabe out there.
Quit defending your suck.
Get your hands in the air like you just don’t care, not down on the floor like a fucking whore. You can’t argue with a nifty rhyme like that.
Comment by Landozine — September 29, 2009 #
It’s clearly not freestyle anymore when you’re just emulating the shorty style of someone else.
Invent your own heinous trick, and I’ll leave you alone. Until then, I’ll continue to smash your self esteem into the sidewalk
Comment by Landozine — September 29, 2009 #
seee i told you jer… your doing it wrong
Comment by colin — September 29, 2009 #
War,famin, aids ect and you waste your time on how people do no handers. Like buddy said. Pick your battles
Comment by g — September 29, 2009 #
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. you care so much. why am i even bothering writing this?
Comment by craig — September 29, 2009 #
Hell yeah, the song doesn’t go…
“throw your hands to your knees, and wave em like you just don’t care”
…for a reason!
Comment by MikeTO — September 29, 2009 #
man its bmx freestyle, they can do what even they want, coz its FREESTYLE
Comment by berlybmx — September 30, 2009 #
seriously all the people bitching about the other guys bitching about the trick need to learn the trick. everything that was said is 100% truth. if you can’t do the trick right don’t do it. if it was called the donkey kong in the first place nobody would be bitching. but the trick looks like shit when its thrown down. dan lacey can throw them normally off a stair set so do it right, and stop making excuses.
Comment by Mike — September 30, 2009 #
holy shit… what a waste of time, personnaly I think all the types of tuck nohanders are nice
Comment by J-O Dumas — September 30, 2009 #
“War,famin, aids ect and you waste your time on how people do no handers. Like buddy said. Pick your battles”
yeah and you should learn how to spell.
Comment by Landozine — September 30, 2009 #
“We need a T-shirt” ima make mine tmrw
Comment by bluemeate — October 1, 2009 #
that was awesome. i totally agree.
Comment by sketchykid — October 3, 2009 #
Agreed.
http://www.mjbauer.com/amputate/tucknohander_diagram.jpg
Comment by Micah — October 23, 2009 #
i have lots of mountain bike accidents so i am done biking right now~::
Comment by Chase Peterson — October 5, 2010 #
woww.. your article is good. its helpful me.. keep posting buddy
Comment by VTSCF — April 30, 2011 #